Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's been way too long since I posted anything...this Craigslist ad I wrote is the most I've done in months.  Enjoy!

About a month ago my husband told me he was planning on going to an auction with a few of his buddies. I figure that's a pretty safe place for him to hang out for a Saturday, I mean how much money could he actually waste there, right? The day arrives, his friends show up and they all pile into his pickup truck and head out to the auction. Woo-hoo! A few hours to catch up on some housework (lol!) or read a book, whichever.

Several hours later finds me out in the yard watering my trees when the hubby pops out the back door and lures me in with his excited "Come see what I bought for you!" What could it be? Did he find me a beautiful, 1940s waterfall bedroom set for some amazingly low price? Maybe he bought me some cool fish tank stand so I can expand my aquatic hobby. The excitement is simply overwhelming, so I rush inside to see what he found.

Well, my hopes were dashed upon entering my kitchen to find my beaming husband standing behind a vacuum cleaner. An old, used and very chrome-y looking vacuum cleaner. Um, thanks? But I'm not a complete meany so I say "Oh, it's a vacuum cleaner. Okay, is it better than the one I already own?" And my overly proud of his purchase husband begins to extol me on the virtues of this amazing machine.

This, he informs me, is a KIRBY!!! vacuum cleaner. The very best of the best of vacuum cleaners. Why, all the women whose homes he has admired for many years use KIRBY!!! vacuum cleaners. Nothing less will do. And look at all the attachments, he says. There are some that we'll probably never even figure out what they're for, but certainly they are very important to have. AND, it has extra bags! So we don't even have to worry about buying new bags for a long time ("longer still because my wife rarely vacuums" was thankfully left out). He briefly mentions the shampoo attachment (for when the idiot cats throw-up, again!) and then, he pulls out an attachment and with a reverence usually reserved for vintage whiskey or especially beautiful revolvers, he intones "And this brush...this brush is so you can clean the blinds!"

I'm duly impressed with his sales spiel, but he's not done yet. Because, like any good vacuum cleaner salesman would do, he insists on showing me how it works. As an aside, I've been around vacuums for a very long time and am fairly well versed in how they work. Evidently hubby has forgotten this and I hate to ruin his moment in the sun so I go along with him. It should be noted that by this time, our twelve year old son has joined us to watch this new wonder do it's magic.

My husband carefully adds the attachment to the long hose and plugs the machine in. He wheels the whole thing over to the blinds on the back door, looks at me with a smile and says "Watch this!" Hitting the "on" switch, the KIRBY!!! comes to life with a "RAWR!" of power. You can feel the surge of adrenaline pulsing through it's chrome-y parts. The cats scatter to the far corners of the house and the dogs look on it with horror. It is an animal. It is power, and virility and beauty all wrapped up into one amazing machine. And then...our son says "what's that smell?"

Hubby continues to run the brush over the blinds only looking over his shoulder long enough to say "That's raw power son" before going back to obliterating the dust from the slats. I have to say that the speed with which that dust was sucked into the KIRBY!!! was a sight to behold. It never stood a chance. About four slats in, our son again says "what's that smell?" and I realize that I am starting to smell something as well. Something...burny...electrically...electrically burny...and then Hubby smells it too. He turns around and looks down at his amazing machine and says "OMG! It's on fire!" And I dumbly reply "What is?" My husband's eyes get huge and he shouts "The vacuum cleaner is on fire! OMG! It's on fire! Holy sh!!!t! Unplug it!"

I dutifully unplug the raging monster and my heroic husband picks the flaming beast up in one massive fist and carries it outside. Upon being released from the source of fuel, this cousin of the Kraken (land version) loses steam and puts itself out. The stench of it's fury permeates my house and now, my back patio as well. The neighbors may or may not now believe they live next door to a long time sailor. Our son stands transfixed on the patio, staring at his father in what I can only assume is awe at his heroic acts.

Once the emergency is over, our hero stands in defeat, looking at his beloved KIRBY!!!, still slightly smoking at his feet. Lifting his eyes to mine, he says sadly "I guess I'll have to throw it away...I'm sorry your gift sucked." It breaks my heart to see him so destroyed. He wanted to badly to bring me this wonderful machine that he knew would make me the happiest woman in the world. So I tell him that he shouldn't throw it away. It's too GOOD to throw away. I mean, it's a KIRBY!!! for goodness sakes! They don't get thrown away! I promise him I will salvage the parts and sell them to the good people of Craigslist. People who appreciate what a wonder a KIRBY!!! is, people who will want it's parts to replace the ones on their own KIRBYs!!! Not because they broke obviously (because KIRBYs!!! don't break), but because sometimes the parts on their own KIRBYs!!! can just no longer stand up to the raw power of the machine.

So, with all of that in mind, I'm offering the remains, no, the strongest parts, of my husband's loving gift to me. I'm asking $30 (obo) for everything you see in the foreground of the first picture. For you highly technical folks, that doesn't include the background items, desk, empty box, carpeting or any animals that may have slipped into the shot (well, the cats might be negotiable) Cash only and you must pick up.


Not Afraid To Use It said...

Holy crap this was funny!! Your poor husband! On the bright side there is less dust on part of your blinds, if the smoke didn't replace it that is.