Wounded knee, not the original

Do you see that second lump, just below my knee?

Picture if you will...

I've just woken up, I have had no coffee. I open the dogs kennels and stumble towards the door to release them to the wild. They are very wound up because IT'S ALMOST TIME TO EAT! I open the door, the dogs bolt out and then I hear the birds. Yes, birds are right outside the door. Yay! But it gets better. Because the closest bird is a toddler and therefore is not the best flier. It manages to get about six inches off the ground and is trying to gain altitude, but two insane canines are right behind it. When I realize it cannot get high enough to clear the fence, I start yelling at them to stop. Which is always effective. The baby bird manages to get about two feet off the ground but then corners around the grapefruit tree and starts losing altitude. The Insane One is on top of it so I start running towards the chaos in the hopes of preventing an avian death from occurring before I've even had my coffee. Bad move. Evidently I cannot run. At least not in any sort of graceful manner. Because two steps in and I can feel my upper body getting ahead of my legs which are apparently still sleeping in. Three steps in and I hit the grass, still wet from dew. So my brain is saying "stop" but now my legs are finally waking up and pumping full speed ahead. But since my upper body is moving in a downward arc, my pumping legs are basically serving to propel me at top speed into the ground. I hit the ground on my right leg and left breast and then proceed to slide a solid five feet, landing about two feet from the now horrified dogs and the still struggling bird. I weakly say "leave it" to the idiots and lay there while the bird manages to walk down towards the gate. The rest of the birds are flying around screaming in a panic about the whole situation. Both dogs take one more worried look at me lying there and then head off to do their business before quietly waiting by the door to be let in. I finally stand up and check my injuries. One rapidly swelling lump on my leg and "grass burn" on one breast. Nice. I can already tell this is going to be a fantastic day.