Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Christmas Letter

Greetings from Mirthville. Normally at this time of year I would be sitting down and pecking out a lovely Christmas letter about all the great things that have happened over the year. I would use my awesome creative skills and photo-shop prowess to incorporate some adorable pictures into the letter. And then, I will never send it out. Because I will get distracted by candy and shiny things.

Since I am no dummy and I am one hundred percent sure that I will also not send out this year’s letter, I have decided to go a different route. This year, I will write the Christmas letter that I have been unable (for censorship reasons) to write in previous years. The one you always wish people would send, because honestly most holiday letters are so sappy I could cover my pancakes in them and not tell the difference.

So here goes…

In January, I went back to school to get my real estate license. Let’s see, the market is crashing and burning like an oil tanker on icy roads, there’s already enough licensed agents in the county to sell Rhode Island twice and the banks are offering 1% commissions on a lot of the homes they acquired. Good timing isn’t the word I’m looking for. Maybe more like comedic timing. Also, we acquired our idiot, growth challenged orange tabby. Because apparently I had two seconds of down time and thought I needed some chaos.

In February, Mister C & I made a day trip up to the Grand Canyon on my least favorite “holiday” of the year. We weren’t going because it was romantic, we were going because Mister C got peeved at the rangers for not giving him hiking permits that he kept requesting. He thought he’d have a better chance in person and he was right. We left there with permits acquired, and a new found appreciation for why we don’t eat green potatoes. We also went to San Xavier del Bac and the Tucson Botanical Gardens, which were incredibly awesome.

In March, Master J turned eight and requested a cake shaped like a bucket of popcorn. I managed to pull it off and he was thrilled. He also started his regime of coffee consumption this month. Great results and I highly recommend it be tried prior to medication for kids with ADHD (along with other diet/environmental controls). The fact that my eight year old looks like unionized iron worker taking his thermos to school every day is just a bonus.

March was also a big month for purchases. I got my Mac laptop, which I adore, and my new Nikon “big girl” camera, which I would probably give my left eye for. If that didn’t completely skeeve me out with horror and gyrations worthy of belly dancer on crack. Shudder! (ha, ha) Anyway, all puns aside, this camera makes me look like I actually know how to take a decent photo most days.

I passed my real estate exams, both the ones at the school, and the state ones. I’d heard so much about how difficult these things were. People telling me they had failed them multiple times before passing. The instructors talking about how only something like 20% of people pass the school exam on the first time. Really? That scares me. I passed everything on the first time. I’m no genius but I seriously thought all of the tests were pretty straight forward and honestly, easy. It scares me that 80% of the people that had to sit through ninety hours of classroom instruction couldn’t turn around a pass the exam a week later. It scares me more that these same people continue to take the exam until they pass and then go out and write contracts. On a very sad note, this was also the month that we had to have our beloved Dalmatian euthanized after she went into congestive heart failure. Life sometimes sucks really badly.

In April, it was my birthday. The whole month was all about me and how awesome I am. People catered to my every want and need and bowed down before me. At least in my mind they did. In reality? Same shit, different month. Actually there is one big thing that happened in the month of April…I met my first real estate clients and climbed on board the crazy train being driven by the wife of this pair. You know when people say someone is “certifiable”? Ever met one of those certifiable people? Try not to. It’s incredibly effin draining to try and stay sane when the person sitting across from you is anything but. The conversations can be appallingly fragmented and convoluted. In a nutshell, when you walk away from them you need to check yourself to make sure you’re still rational.

In May, Master J finished up the second grade in much better condition than he started it at Midwest Loser Elementary. He also lost his first tooth. My baby is growing up. At the end of the month, Mister C & I went to the Chihuly exhibit at the botanical gardens and I got to put my new camera to work. If I had thought to bring a billy club it would have gotten a great work out as well. I’m still trying to figure out how every person in the entire county was able to attend on the same day. Also, why they all felt the need to get in my effin way. Seriously people, move!

June had highs and lows in real estate. I held my first open house on a home that later went to auction. I actually went to the auction and while I wouldn’t recommend it for trying to acquire a home, I would definitely go for the entertainment value. Here’s a hint though, bring snacks. Or a big stack of money to buy some of theirs. This open house is where I met a client that turned into a friend. She ended up with the house after a whole lot of pain in the ass that occurred over the next few months. This is also the month that the previously mentioned crazy train came crashing off the tracks at the closing table. Good times were had by all.

July is the scene of the second crazy train wreck of the year, although this one was more expected. We made our crazcation to my in-laws house for the holiday festivities. We had a big blow up and big insanity that got turned into a fantastic cross country trip with Mister C, Master J & I getting to see a whole bunch of landmarks between Fargo and Phoenix. After getting back from that trip, we headed back to the airport to go visit my Aunt Ninny in Baltimore. We wanted to see what pancreatic cancer looks like while it’s getting its ass kicked. So far, “PC” is looking like that skanky ho that shows up already drunk at the bar in flip flops and a tank top whose strap is giving in to gravity. She ain’t very pretty and she starts a lot of shit, but if you beat on her long enough she’ll go find an easier bar patron to bother.

In August, Master J started the third grade. And we acquired Satan from the humane society. I bet you didn’t know she was euphemistically referred to as “Ladybug” while enjoying her stay in the kennels. And yes, Satan is a female. She’s about thirty-five pounds of brindled chaos that adores Master J. This is the month where we discovered that honeybees suck big time and cost a lot of money to remove. Also, this is the month I really started to hate “Tank of Ta Bearica” as they too are the Devil’s own little minions.

In September, Mister C went back to work for Charles Schwab. Thank God. That whole “working from home” bullshit? Yeah, not so much. More like “sitting around in my sweats, watching the stock market, grazing in the fridge & annoying my lovely wife”. Working from home, pshaw! That phrase should be banned, at least from my house.

Another thing we figured out this month is that if Satan can’t read a book, she eats it. This was an expensive lesson for Master J since, being the mean mother I am, I made him pay the library for the destroyed books (yes, plural). My logic being that he left them lying on the floor for her to find so he was responsible. Please note that both instances happened on Mister Cs watch. One more thing, I backed into a cop car this month. Someone just needs to take my license and be done with it.

October was a busy month for us. Between picking a costume for Master J, fighting with “Tank of Ta Bearica” about ridiculous things and carving pumpkins, the time just flew by. It seemed to go quicker since we had to throw out our pumpkins early due to the overwhelming fuzzy green mold that grew rampantly throughout them. Also, Satan ate a quarter of Master J’s pumpkin while we were cleaning up the mess from the carving. Amazingly she did not get sick. But she did have pumpkin breath for a few days, which was kind of unpleasant. Speaking of Satan, she started obedience classes this month. They did not work.

November was a pleasant month all around. The weather was beautiful, Satan continued flunking out of puppy obedience and I started writing a novel that I so far have not finished. Probably because I keep getting distracted with other things like long, drawn out Christmas letters that will never get mailed. We had a fantastic Thanksgiving dinner that got passed back and forth between houses until finally landing on my doorstep two days prior due to illness in Papa. Thankfully Mamoo had already purchased the turkey and most of the other things so really all I had to do was to prepare a few items. I was supposed to make a pumpkin pie but I guess if you wait until the day before to go find the ingredients, and there’s some sort of shortage of pumpkins due to an unusually wet summer and mold (hmmmmm) you might not be able to make the pie. And then, you might have to buy one at the store for too much money but really, does it matter? Because there was pie on the Thanksgiving table, so shut up already and be thankful.

Which brings us to December. My favorite month. I love driving around listening to the “all Christmas music” station. While looking out at blue skies and gently waving palm trees. I like wearing open toed high heels and short- sleeved shirts while humming “White Christmas” to myself. Yes I do. I love me a Sunshineville Christmas season. Screw the snow. I don’t have to shovel the sunshine my friend, I just sit back and enjoy it. Also, the angels must have been smiling on Satan because she actually managed to pass her puppy obedience class. I was floored that she managed it. I think it had more to do with the fact that they didn’t make us do the whole meet and greet thing with other dogs in order to pass.

So that’s it, that’s our year wrapped up. No awards won. No fabulous vacations to far away lands. Nobody in this house got married or had any babies. No big promotions or huge bonuses. Just a typical year of chaos and mayhem in Mirthville.

Merry Christmas with Love from
Mirth, Mister C & Master J