Thursday, October 7, 2010

Gasp! Pant! Ow!

So today I decided to get back on track and kick off my exercise regime. Yee haw! I am excited! I haven't done much more than walk lately so I decide that instead of going hiking, I will do a workout dvd. That should be pretty simply, right? Of course!

Let's see what I've got...Leslie Sansone walking dvd. Pshaw! I am far too advanced for that one! Leslie Sansone Muscle Mile (walking with weights!). Nope. Too easy. Ooh, what's this? The Biggest Loser Boot Camp. I could totally do that! Have you seen the morbidly obese people that are on that show? Jeez if they can do anything close to a workout I should have no problem at all. All that throwing up and passing out? Please. Ya babies!

Alright, pop in the dvd and set up my workout. I chose three parts: the warm up, the level 1 workout and the cool down. I figure if I breeze through it like I think I will I'll just add in the level 2 tomorrow.

I get out of my sweatpants and into some workout clothes and sneakers. Move the cat out of the way. Get my jug of water. Get my weights nearby. Move the chair. Move the cat again. I am READY!

Push play and listen to a quick pep talk by Bob. Alright Bob, I'm motivated. I'm ready. I'm excited. Annndd here we go!

First things first, a quick warm up. We'll probably do some deep breathing and wa....wait, what? Squats? I thought we were warming up? Okaaay, I'll squat but I'm not doing lun...shit! Lunges? What the hell? Who does lunges as a warm up? Holy crap, I'm going to die! There's no way this is a warm up. He's trying to kill me! I'm sweating. I'm struggling to breath. I've been doing this for less than three minutes. This does not bode well.

Eventually Bob declares us "warmed up". I want to die. But no, there's a real workout coming. I would like to point out that while I do have some weight to lose, I am not morbidly obese. I have no medical issues or hindrances other than just not being in shape. I would also like to point out that I am dying. Just so you know.

The real workout begins and it is (predictably) much worse than the warm up. I make it for less than five minutes. At which point I collapse in a sweaty, panting heap on the floor. Where I spend the next five minutes trying to recover and fending off the fat furry one that desperately wants to sprawl her hot girth across my chest.

When I can finally breath again, I get some water before admitting my defeat and switching dvds. Leslie, I love you! You don't make me want to die. As for you, Bob, we'll meet again.